Dating a conflict avoider

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In his article "7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success," communication coach Preston Ni writes that expressing and responding to warm or loving emotions are essential to creating intimacy in a relationship. When your man avoids creating emotional connections, won't communicate or mentally distances himself from you it can break down intimacy. Dealing with avoidance issues -- or the inability to connect on an intimate emotional level -- requires patience, empathy and the ability to truly hear what your partner is saying.

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So many people would much rather have a root canal than bear the thought of actually confronting a potential conflict situation, with a spouse, a coworker or boss, or a family member. The problem is, when we avoid conflict, it usually ends up hurting us more. They might react to us through those assumptions about our withdrawal or not talking about it, and then create other problems on top of the original one.

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And those feelings will out. But others believe that stress or conflict in a relationship is to be avoided… as if it could be. Often, these are people that experienced or passively absorbed significant conflict in their earlier lives but likely never even recognized it as such. The bottom line is that they did indeed experience it, albeit unwittingly, and then they seek to avoid it in their other relationships.

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Some couples avoid so many issues that you feel enormous tension just sitting in the room with them. For years they have shied away from discussing any issues that are potentially high-conflict. These friendly conflict avoiders are warm, gracious and engaging.

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John Gottman, Ph. Drawing from over four decades of research data, we have been able to categorize couples into five types: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. Each type is very different from the others, and each type of couple has its benefits and risks.

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Understanding the way he argues will make your relationship even better. For those who take their participation in relationships seriously, having a firmer command of the psychology of how the mind works can help when it comes to interacting with others. Fighting in relationships is normal, and as long as you fight the right way, it doesn't mean your relationship will end.

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Because of this, I wanted to write a FAQ for the avoider mentality — things I see people are really having problems with and that keep coming up in questions. The term avoider comes from attachment theorywhich divides how you and I form relationships with other people into four categories:. Note that while people are usually a blend of the categories, but they primarily fall into one.

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Y ou are rare if you want to resolve conflict instead of avoiding it. Based on my 8 years of teaching conflict management, most people want to learn ways they can avoid conflict. Chances are your co-workers, family, and friends do not want to solve that tough issue between you and them.

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Photo by Stocksy. They explain many common patterns experienced in relationships. The attachment approach to coupling says that people fall into one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant. These labels pretty well describe the characteristics of each one.


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